Just a quick photo.

This is a quicky...my day is crazy.  I had a great getaway with my hubby last weekend and we got to get dressed up and go out.  I looked at this picture the next day, I was and still am very happy with what I see.  Big difference from 6 months ago! It's a strange feeling to look at a picture and feel good about it!  Hope you are all well!

 

Saddness

I had some great things to post but none of it matters right now.  I just read of Barbara losing her husband, and there are no words.  I did NOT have the pleasure of going to Chicago but have been reading her blog for awhile now.  This is so sad.  I  cannot imaging the heartache that she is feeling.  Barbara you are in my prayers and as many others have said....we are here for you.

Back to basics.

I have really gotten away from eating like a bandster so today is day one of the 5 day pouch test.  I am very excited about this and am hoping that this along with a fill tomorrow will give me a kick in the butt.  My life has been fairly crazy the last month with lots of family illness and some of it pretty serious so I have so easily forgotten about ME.  Why is it so hard for me to take care of ME first?  Well, I don't really care why at this point I just need to get back into my routine of no carbs and sugar, higher protein and working out.  I am off right now to do a little workout video with my 3 year old.  Just wanted to check in quick and say hello and let you all know where I am at.  I will write more tomorrow after my fill.  Have a great day all!!

My experience with PCOS and lapband surgery.

I have been wanting to write about this for awhile and I have a few minutes right now so I think I will do it.  I have severe PCOS.  I was diagnosed at the age of 19 after having VERY irregular periods, hair growth in weird places, and a 50 pound weight gain in just a few months.  It took several doctors and lots of work on my part, but I finally found an MD who would listen and was officially diagnosed.  I have tried lots of different meds to treat my PCOS but nothing really worked.  I got pregnant VERY unexpectedly a few months after my hubbyand I got married and miscarried my baby a few week after we found out.  I was devastated, of course.  I quickly got pregnant again with my son probably so easily due to just be pregnant the month or so before.  My second pregnancy took 1 1/2 years to achieve.  I was on lots of fertility meds and finally after giving up and taking a break we got pregnant with my daughter.  We then tried again to get pregnant again about a year or so ago and after 6 mths of ultrasounds, fertility meds, and lots of disappointment  we decided to take a break and I decided to have lapband surgery.  I tell you all of this to give you a little background on just how well I know my body.  Because of the fertility issues I am very in tune with my hormones and I know when they are off.  Before my lapband surgery, I was a mess.  I had irregular periods, very little cervical mucous when I should have had lots, ect, ect.  I am now down 40 pounds since my pre-op weigh in and MAN do I notice a difference in my hormones.  I have had a regular period since my surgery, on time, every month.  I have NEVER had this.  I have TONS of cervical mucous when I should and really notice the hormone changes in my body when I am ovulating and right before my period.  This excites me.  I am very hopeful that this summer we can get my IUD taken out and hopefully get pregnant right away.  Who new 40 pounds would make such a difference?  I have my yearly appt. with my amazing, HOT, (haha) OBGYN in a month or so and am excited to get my blood work done to see exactly how this weight loss has effected my PCOS.  There is hope my fellow PCOS ladies!  They say weight loss is the best cure for PCOS and I am sitting here as living proof that even a little weight loss can have an effect on PCOS.  I am excited for the year to come, to loose even more weight and hopefully have even less issues with my PCOS.  Well, thats it in a nut shell!  Again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Quick check-in

Hey all!   I am just checking in to document my weight is staying around 220 which is great.  I hate plateaus.  I get my 4th fill tomorrow and am seeing the new PA.  I am excited to meet her and hope my experience is what I want and need.  I am glad to be getting it before the Holiday and am hoping it will help with all the yummy things laying around.  I don't have much self control when it comes to sweets!  I need to work on that!  I will write more later....probably after Christmas and after my family leaves.  My dad is coming from Phoenix and we are all so excited!  I hope everyones holidays are filled with lots of love, fun, laughter, and NO pounds gained!!

What did MY scale say this morning??

I swear everytime I start complaining on my blog that I am on a plateau I lose!  My scale said....


219!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




This whole band thing really is so different and I just now feel like I am getting the hang of it.  I am not really hungry till about 3-4 in the afternoon and haven't been eating till then.  NO NO NO!! I know.  Not good.  That is probably why my hair is falling out by the handful.  I have NOT been taking care of myself and giving my body the nutrients/fuel it needs to lose weight and be healthy.  I have been very diligent the last couple days about at LEAST having a protein shake with two scoops of protein in the AM and a cheese stick and maybe a slice of lunch meat or some turkey salad for lunch and then a healthy dinner. Just doing this the last couple days I am down 3 pounds.  I will continue to take care of my body and Monday is going to be "back to working out" day.  I WILL lose 9 more pounds to reach my 50 pounds lost and you will soon see a photo of me sporting a fly nose ring!!

Someday I will figure out why it is so difficult for me to take care of me.

Time to check in!

Hello all!  I haven't been reading or obviously writing over the last week or two for many reasons.  First it was Thanksgiving and it's just crazy.  We celebrated my sons 6th birthday the day before Thanksgiving as well.  It was great!  I can't believe how fast time has gone!  He also lost his first tooth last night!  He didn't even know it, my husband realized it as he was drying his hair after his bedtime shower.  My son was quite devastated that he didn't have the tooth so we made sure to write a note to the tooth fairy and this morning he couldn't come get us fast enough to show us his loot that the tooth fairy brought!  It was fun and it makes me realize even more that every moment I have with my children I need to continue to soak up and I am going to be better at record keeping of their "firsts".  I can't believe the things I don't remember in just 6 years!

On the shoulder front, I am healing nicely.  Sleeping is still quite difficult, but last night I actually slept without pain  meds!  That is HUGE!!  PT is really tough, but I have been working with my therapist since my accident so he really knows me well and knows when to push me and when not to.  This I am thankful for!

On the band front I am stuck at 226.  I have been there for weeks. (I was down to 222 at one point, I am not quite sure what happen.) I finally called my doctors office after calling several other offices and had no luck with finding one that would take me as a patient because they don't use the realize band.  I spoke with my surgeons assistant and felt heard and we have a new plan.  I told her about the traumatizing last fill, about the NP ignoring my questions about my hair falling out by the handful, about not even really knowing how much weight I lost since the last fill and she was very willing to listen.  I told her I wasn't trying to get the NP in trouble or anything like that, that I just want to be successful with my band and weight loss and in order for ME to do that I need a different experience when I come to the clinic.  We decided that I would see a PA that is only there once a week and my surgeon sporadically so that I can "check-in"  The one thing she really emphasized is that with the lap band you are suppose to lose 1-2 pounds a week.  I am down 33 pounds in 19 weeks so am only a few pounds behind.  I am sure part of the plateau I am on right now is because I am not working out, measuring, or making sure I am getting enough protein.  This is partly due to laziness and partly because I just had major shoulder surgery a month ago.  Today this will change.  I am going to get my s#$% together and make this band work for me.  The nurse was really impressed with my weight loss and said I am doing really well.  This made me feel good and also motivated me to, like I said before....get my s#$% together.  Again I only have 17 pounds to go for my nose ring, I would really like to do this right after the holiday when my parents are here visiting.  I would like my step mom to be with me because she is one of my biggest supporters in all things in life.  Sometimes I am  not sure how I would get through life without her!  So....17 pounds in 4 weeks?  That is a little over 4 pounds a week.  It's a far stretch, but I am going to bust my ass to get as close as possible!  

Wow!  I didn't realize I was going to go on and on!  Guess I needed to get it all out!  I hope all of you are well and will be back soon to check in!

*edit*  Just weighed myself and the scale read 224.5!!!!!  yay...hopefully it continues!

One of my favorite band friendly recipes!

Barbecued Thai Turkey Bundles

A family favorite. Wrap these tasty “burgers” in cabbage or lettuce leaves for a fun finger-food meal

Thai dipping sauce

• 1 beaten egg
• ½ cup coarsely chopped waterchestnuts
• ⅓ cup fine dry bread crumbs
• 1 green onion, finely chopped
• 1 T soy sauce
• 1 T lemon juice
• 2 t grated ginger root
• ½ t sugar
• ¼ t salt
• ¼ t chili oil or a dash ground red pepper
• 1½ lb. ground raw turkey
• 12 savoy cabbage leaves or leaf lettuce
• fresh cilantro sprigs
• 1 recipes Thai dipping sauce

• In a large mixing bowl combine egg, chestnuts, bread crumbs, green onion, soy sauce, lemon juice, ginger, sugar, salt and chili oil. Add turkey; mix well. Shape into 12 loaves. Grill over medium hot coals or broil 3 inches from heat for 12-14 minutes or til juice runs clear, turning once. Serve each loaf wrapped in a cabbage leaf. Garnish with cilantro.
• Thai Dipping Sauce:
• In a small bowl combine-
• ¼ cup lemon juice
• 3 T fish sauce
• 1 T snipped cilantro
• 2 t sugar
• 1 t soy sauce
• ½ t crushed red pepper
• ½ t sesame oil
  
  
  
  
  All the "stuff" in the turkey keeps it really moist and the sauce is SO good.  We lovingly call it crack sauce in our house because when I make it we just can't stop!  We LOVE it!  I make this probably once a week, its great!
  Also I use splenda instead of sugar. You also don't have to grill the bundles, I often just broil them in the oven.
  Have a great day all!

Thank you

Thank you all for your nice and kind comments about my post yesterday.  I took to opportunity to talk with my son and it was a great talk.  He loves me regardless of my weight and that is what matters.
I had a fill yesterday and it sucked.  I have decided I need to find a different clinic.  When I go in for a fill I expect to hear my weight difference without figuring it out myself and a smile from the staff would be nice as well.  When I ask a question about my band I expect a honest, accurate answer without the huffing and puffing and snide looks.  Asking if I can use a straw now is not a dumb question, asking how much fluid you are going to put in my band is not a dumb question either.  The first time she attempted to fill my band yesterday was unsuccessful and TERRIBLY painful.  I finally tool the nurse practioners hand and used it to pull the needle out of my stomach. It burned and was...well just not how it should have felt.  It bleed a lot as well.  I am not sure what happened.  The second time she tried, I told her she was in and she didn't believe me, she proceeded to dig around and I then asked her to try and draw some fluid out to see if she was in.  She finally DID pull some out and of course, as I said....she was in.  I asked how much she was putting in and the answer was...."a little over 1cc."  So I guess I now have "a little over" 6cc in my band.  I am definitely feeling more restriction and  hope it stays like that for awhile, while I find a new clinic.  I called one place today and they don't use  Realize bands so they said I would have to go elsewhere.  I will continue to look and hopefully can find another clinic that can help me out and show a little kindness. Well...time to get a kiddo on the bus!  Thank you all again so much for your support, it is nice to know I can come here and vent!

Crushed

My 6 year old son told me this morning while we were waiting for the bus that a little girl that has been a bit of a pain in the ass this year, said...."your  mom is a fatty".  I can't stop crying.  How can the words of a 5 year old girl cut so deep.  I don't want my son to have to deal with this....why do parents teach their children these things. I don't care if it's intentional or not....NOT ACCEPTABLE!!  My son knows the word fat isn't nice...it hurts people, even his mommy.

Comparison

This was at my highest weight....275 or so.

This is at my daughters birthday party two weeks ago!

What an amazing difference!  I really never realized how big I was, its weird to see the difference!

Surgery went well!  WAY better than lapband surgery and coming out of anesthesia was a TOTAL different experience this time, a better one.  I am so happy with how well things went.  It's been a week and I am really sore, but hanging in there.  My husband and children have been incredibly patient and for that I am SO thankful. I have gained a few pounds, but kind of expected that.  I have a fill Tuesday and CAN'T wait!  Thank you for all your nice comments from my last post.....I have just been in a funk and put WAY to much pressure on myself. I am trying to find a balance.  Until then, I will post and comment when I can!  Hope you are all well and have some great comparison pictures that I will try to get up soon!

Contemplating...

I am thinking I might be done blogging for awhile.  I feel guilty when I don't blog, and I feel even worse when i do and no one comments.  I tell myself it is ridiculous to feel this way, because I didn't start this blog for you all, I started it for me.  Sometimes it just feels like it's one more thing I HAVE to squeeze into my day, one more thing on the to do list.  I like when I blog, it holds me accountable to myself, but I find that I am basing my self worth on how many comments I get and who comments.  That is silly.  I think I have to take a step back and reevaluate WHY I am doing this.  I know in the end I will be back, because I love reading your blogs and I love the inspiration it gives me.  I just need to stop finding self worth in what OTHERS think of me.  I don't want to be a whiny brat or make any one feel guilty, I just need some time to figure this out.  I have a big surgery next week and need to focus on dealing with that and getting through it.  I will be back soon, until then I hope you all lose LOTS o' weight and life is good to you.

Quickie

Okay this is just a quick update. I have shoulder surgery on the 28th and was told to prepare for 4-6 week of recovery so I am cleaning, organizing, preparing like a mad woman and just haven't made the time to sit down and blog.  Band wise I am great.  I still don't have a ton of restriction, but regardless the scale said 222 this morning.  I talked with my surgeon last week about getting the fluid in my band taken out because of surgery and  they said because I can still eat bread, chicken, steak with no issue I DO NOT have to get it  taken out!! I did have to skip a fill, but as soon as I am up to it after surgery I can go it for my third fill.  I am happy with my band.  in 3 months I am down 38 pounds and almost 3 sizes!! My twenties are getting big and that is exciting!  I am tempted to dig out my wedding dress and try it on for fun!  We will see if I manage that before surgery.  I am sorry I am not commenting a lot, I am reading and trying to keep up.  I am sure I will be all caught up and a commenting queen after my surgery!  Hope all is well with all of you!  Have an awesome day!

Anyone else have this happen?

So I am officially down to 225.  That is 35 pounds down!  So, you know how I had that weird thing a week or so ago where I was down to 225 then back up to 235 in a few days time?  I notice that happens when I lose a significant amount.  It's weird.  There is no way that I lost, gained, and then lost 10 pounds in a week.  It's so odd to me.  I am however, VERY excited that I am offically down to 225.  I am really watching my portions (this is hard because I don't feel a whole lot of restriction) and trying to make sure I am getting more protein.  I know some of you have said you don't find it difficult to get in your protein but for some reason, I do.  I guess it's probably that I really don't feel hungry till 1pm or so and I need to have a protein shake for breakfast or something and that will help up my protein.  My hair needs it!  Luckily I have an over abundance of hair and it's actually been a small blessing to lose a little, but now it needs to stop.  I need to be more diligent about protein.  Only 15 more pounds till my nose ring!  I am hoping it's shortly after my shoulder surgery.  I know I am gonna need a little pick me up and a nose ring would do just that!

Oh yeah!  I went to a party this weekend (where my son broke his arm...poor guy) and it was a stressful day so someone asked if I wanted a beer and I gladly said YES, without even thinking of the carbonation.  I drank the whole thing over an hours time and it was then that I said, "oh shit, I didn't even think about the carbonation!!!".  I didn't have any issues, but I find it funny that I didn't even think.... right back to the old me......GIVE ME A BEER!  Not that I was a lush, but I do love me a good dark pint of beer once in awhile!  Well....off to check on the baby boy, he is  home one last day from school with his broken arm.  Its amazing how resilient kids are.  Here is a pic of the poor guy after we spent the morning at the ER on Sunday checking it out.

He now has a blue cast and can't wait to go buy a sharpie today so everyone can sign it!  The barbie is my daughters Ariel....she gave it to him to help him get comfy while he slept, it was really sweet.  Have a great day ladies!!

Will it ever NOT hurt??

I am wondering....will my port ever not hurt?  Sometime it hurts when my shirt rubs on it.  I know it's only been about 2 1/2 months since surgery but it is still so sensitive.  Does that hurt ever go away?  

Byoc!!!

1. Are you late, early or on time?

I try really hard to be on time or early for most things.  HOWEVER, with children...it's not always up to you!

2. Name three things you like and three things you dislike? Dislike:
Early mornings

Spiders

Yogurt
Like:
Sewing

Butterflies

Thunderstorms

3. Are you a morning or a night person? 
Total night person!  It is changing a bit as I get older, it seem harder to stay up later!

4. What is your favorite clothes store? 
I like to thrift a lot.  I am sure as I get smaller I will enjoy more stores, but right now and I always have, I ADORE Target.  If you ask my kids what our favorite store is they proudly announce, TARGET!!!!

I could and sometimes do get lost in Target for hours.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland.

My week has been a lot of ups and downs.  One second I love blogging and the next I feel like no one cares and why should I continue.  Why I feel that way??.....no good reason.  I have also had some very emotional things going on in my life and self realization that is kind of incredible so that might all have a little to do with it as well.  I will share more about that in a separate post.  

I SO wish I could have joined you all in Chicago. I have enjoyed the pics of all you beautiful ladies so, NO DON'T STOP, I LOVE THEM!!

Self Love

I have a lot on my mind right now.  I am going to apologize for improper grammar and spelling right now.  I need  to just get it all out and process what I am learning.
I have been going through a process of learning to love who my maker made me to be for a few years now.  It has been a very necessary road for me to go down and a tough one as well.  I grew up not loving myself at all.  I was fat, ugly, unpopular, not a good student and a half ass musician.  Why try hard when all you are going to do in the end is fail, right?
Three years ago my life was turned upside down by a new baby, a multiple sclerosis diagnosis (hubby), as well as a psychotic break and bipolar diagnosis for my husband.  I went into take care of everyone else mode and let myself go.  I was lucky if I got to brush my teeth, because someone might need something in the 5 min. it takes to do that!  I was withering away....my soul, not my body. (LOL)  It was time to do something.  I then started on a journey of finding myself and loving myself.  This started with learning what gifts I was given and embracing them.


One of the gifts I was born with is the ability to feel what other people feel.  I once as a small child got really sad about some friends of my moms and kept telling her....you have to call them something is wrong.  She did after several hours of tears and persistence and was told that their house had burned to the ground.  How I knew this....I don't know, I could just FEEL it.
There is many times in my life that this has been a wonderful thing, but it's tough as well.  When my BFF's husband was murdered, it was HARD.  I could just FEEL the sadness.  To be honest, it was one of the most exhausting experiences I have ever experience, but MAN, did I learn some shit about myself!
When things are happy this is great!  I spent the night last night celebrating a triumph over breast cancer with some dear friends and at one point during the night the joy in the room was so strong, I could FEEL it.  When I say I can FEEL it, really I can physically FEEL it.  I can't explain what its like, but I am learning to love it and embrace it.
My husband is TOTAL opposite, he doesn't feel, at all really.  It takes a lot.  This is due to a crazy childhood, but again, another story for another day.
I was talking with him last night about the feeling I get in these situations and had a HUGE revelation.  I LIKE that I can FEEL things that others can't.  I can't imaging going through life not being able to feel like I do, even if it's exhausting at times.
I am going to embrace this gift and love it.  This is part of me and makes me who I am.  I love this about myself.  4 months ago, you wouldn't have heard these words from me, this is a huge step in my process of embracing who I am and most importantly, LOVING who I am.

Again....sorry for the bla bla bla....I just had to get it out.

And...a picture or two to show you how joyful the night really was!!

I am terrified...

As I said in a previous post, I have to have surgery on my shoulder the end of October.  I am SO scared.  I mentioned it to my surgeon when I had my last fill and he said they may have to empty my band due to nausea from anesthesia.  WHAT???  I have 5cc in there now and could use more.  I am closer to the green zone, but not THAT close.  I am really struggling here.  Saturday, I was down to 225 and today I got on the scale and I am back up to 233.5.  8 pounds in like 4 days? WTF??  I am making good food choices, the working out has been sporadic because I have the cold that won't go away and my lungs hurt.  I am hoping to squeeze a workout in today when my baby girl goes down for a nap, lungs hurting or not.  I am NOT suppose to be gaining weight at this point and this is just NOT okay with me.  I was only 15 pounds away from my nose ring goal and I am pissed.  I guess all I can do it channel that energy into some kick ass workouts and tell those 8 pounds where to go.  *sigh*  I just feel discouraged and like no one cares.  Okay...enough of that, no pity parties for me today.  I care and that is what matters.  I CAN do this and I WILL do this.  210...here I come!!

I had a moment....

I got my hair cut Friday morning.  I hate looking in the mirror when I get my hair cut,  I always see every imperfection as I sit and stare at myself for 45 min.  WELL, on Friday as I was sitting there loathing the fact that I would have to look at myself for the next hour I glanced over to take a quick peak in the mirror and had a moment of joy....I LIKED WHAT I SAW!!!  I can't tell you the last time I looked in the mirror and thought...you know Sum, you look pretty.  Friday I felt that way.  It was fantastic.  I am embracing the new me and loving it!  This makes me more happy than words can say.  I have pics from the wedding to share and will do so as soon as I get them uploaded!  Hope you all had a great time in Chicago!!!  Oh yeah...guess what the scale said yesterday  morning?  225!! WHOOT!!!!  That's almost 10 pounds in a week according to my surgeon!  Yay for restriction!