I have been going through a process of learning to love who my maker made me to be for a few years now. It has been a very necessary road for me to go down and a tough one as well. I grew up not loving myself at all. I was fat, ugly, unpopular, not a good student and a half ass musician. Why try hard when all you are going to do in the end is fail, right?
Three years ago my life was turned upside down by a new baby, a multiple sclerosis diagnosis (hubby), as well as a psychotic break and bipolar diagnosis for my husband. I went into take care of everyone else mode and let myself go. I was lucky if I got to brush my teeth, because someone might need something in the 5 min. it takes to do that! I was withering away....my soul, not my body. (LOL) It was time to do something. I then started on a journey of finding myself and loving myself. This started with learning what gifts I was given and embracing them.
One of the gifts I was born with is the ability to feel what other people feel. I once as a small child got really sad about some friends of my moms and kept telling her....you have to call them something is wrong. She did after several hours of tears and persistence and was told that their house had burned to the ground. How I knew this....I don't know, I could just FEEL it.
There is many times in my life that this has been a wonderful thing, but it's tough as well. When my BFF's husband was murdered, it was HARD. I could just FEEL the sadness. To be honest, it was one of the most exhausting experiences I have ever experience, but MAN, did I learn some shit about myself!
When things are happy this is great! I spent the night last night celebrating a triumph over breast cancer with some dear friends and at one point during the night the joy in the room was so strong, I could FEEL it. When I say I can FEEL it, really I can physically FEEL it. I can't explain what its like, but I am learning to love it and embrace it.
My husband is TOTAL opposite, he doesn't feel, at all really. It takes a lot. This is due to a crazy childhood, but again, another story for another day.
I was talking with him last night about the feeling I get in these situations and had a HUGE revelation. I LIKE that I can FEEL things that others can't. I can't imaging going through life not being able to feel like I do, even if it's exhausting at times.
I am going to embrace this gift and love it. This is part of me and makes me who I am. I love this about myself. 4 months ago, you wouldn't have heard these words from me, this is a huge step in my process of embracing who I am and most importantly, LOVING who I am.
Again....sorry for the bla bla bla....I just had to get it out.
And...a picture or two to show you how joyful the night really was!!
2 comments:
I've missed you hun. Don't apologize to us...we are here for you.
Grace is right, don't apologize. I can imagine that it would be very hard for you at times to feel so much. I hope things start to get better now that your DH has been diagnosed.
Post a Comment