Contemplating...

I am thinking I might be done blogging for awhile.  I feel guilty when I don't blog, and I feel even worse when i do and no one comments.  I tell myself it is ridiculous to feel this way, because I didn't start this blog for you all, I started it for me.  Sometimes it just feels like it's one more thing I HAVE to squeeze into my day, one more thing on the to do list.  I like when I blog, it holds me accountable to myself, but I find that I am basing my self worth on how many comments I get and who comments.  That is silly.  I think I have to take a step back and reevaluate WHY I am doing this.  I know in the end I will be back, because I love reading your blogs and I love the inspiration it gives me.  I just need to stop finding self worth in what OTHERS think of me.  I don't want to be a whiny brat or make any one feel guilty, I just need some time to figure this out.  I have a big surgery next week and need to focus on dealing with that and getting through it.  I will be back soon, until then I hope you all lose LOTS o' weight and life is good to you.

Quickie

Okay this is just a quick update. I have shoulder surgery on the 28th and was told to prepare for 4-6 week of recovery so I am cleaning, organizing, preparing like a mad woman and just haven't made the time to sit down and blog.  Band wise I am great.  I still don't have a ton of restriction, but regardless the scale said 222 this morning.  I talked with my surgeon last week about getting the fluid in my band taken out because of surgery and  they said because I can still eat bread, chicken, steak with no issue I DO NOT have to get it  taken out!! I did have to skip a fill, but as soon as I am up to it after surgery I can go it for my third fill.  I am happy with my band.  in 3 months I am down 38 pounds and almost 3 sizes!! My twenties are getting big and that is exciting!  I am tempted to dig out my wedding dress and try it on for fun!  We will see if I manage that before surgery.  I am sorry I am not commenting a lot, I am reading and trying to keep up.  I am sure I will be all caught up and a commenting queen after my surgery!  Hope all is well with all of you!  Have an awesome day!

Anyone else have this happen?

So I am officially down to 225.  That is 35 pounds down!  So, you know how I had that weird thing a week or so ago where I was down to 225 then back up to 235 in a few days time?  I notice that happens when I lose a significant amount.  It's weird.  There is no way that I lost, gained, and then lost 10 pounds in a week.  It's so odd to me.  I am however, VERY excited that I am offically down to 225.  I am really watching my portions (this is hard because I don't feel a whole lot of restriction) and trying to make sure I am getting more protein.  I know some of you have said you don't find it difficult to get in your protein but for some reason, I do.  I guess it's probably that I really don't feel hungry till 1pm or so and I need to have a protein shake for breakfast or something and that will help up my protein.  My hair needs it!  Luckily I have an over abundance of hair and it's actually been a small blessing to lose a little, but now it needs to stop.  I need to be more diligent about protein.  Only 15 more pounds till my nose ring!  I am hoping it's shortly after my shoulder surgery.  I know I am gonna need a little pick me up and a nose ring would do just that!

Oh yeah!  I went to a party this weekend (where my son broke his arm...poor guy) and it was a stressful day so someone asked if I wanted a beer and I gladly said YES, without even thinking of the carbonation.  I drank the whole thing over an hours time and it was then that I said, "oh shit, I didn't even think about the carbonation!!!".  I didn't have any issues, but I find it funny that I didn't even think.... right back to the old me......GIVE ME A BEER!  Not that I was a lush, but I do love me a good dark pint of beer once in awhile!  Well....off to check on the baby boy, he is  home one last day from school with his broken arm.  Its amazing how resilient kids are.  Here is a pic of the poor guy after we spent the morning at the ER on Sunday checking it out.

He now has a blue cast and can't wait to go buy a sharpie today so everyone can sign it!  The barbie is my daughters Ariel....she gave it to him to help him get comfy while he slept, it was really sweet.  Have a great day ladies!!

Will it ever NOT hurt??

I am wondering....will my port ever not hurt?  Sometime it hurts when my shirt rubs on it.  I know it's only been about 2 1/2 months since surgery but it is still so sensitive.  Does that hurt ever go away?  

Byoc!!!

1. Are you late, early or on time?

I try really hard to be on time or early for most things.  HOWEVER, with children...it's not always up to you!

2. Name three things you like and three things you dislike? Dislike:
Early mornings

Spiders

Yogurt
Like:
Sewing

Butterflies

Thunderstorms

3. Are you a morning or a night person? 
Total night person!  It is changing a bit as I get older, it seem harder to stay up later!

4. What is your favorite clothes store? 
I like to thrift a lot.  I am sure as I get smaller I will enjoy more stores, but right now and I always have, I ADORE Target.  If you ask my kids what our favorite store is they proudly announce, TARGET!!!!

I could and sometimes do get lost in Target for hours.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland.

My week has been a lot of ups and downs.  One second I love blogging and the next I feel like no one cares and why should I continue.  Why I feel that way??.....no good reason.  I have also had some very emotional things going on in my life and self realization that is kind of incredible so that might all have a little to do with it as well.  I will share more about that in a separate post.  

I SO wish I could have joined you all in Chicago. I have enjoyed the pics of all you beautiful ladies so, NO DON'T STOP, I LOVE THEM!!

Self Love

I have a lot on my mind right now.  I am going to apologize for improper grammar and spelling right now.  I need  to just get it all out and process what I am learning.
I have been going through a process of learning to love who my maker made me to be for a few years now.  It has been a very necessary road for me to go down and a tough one as well.  I grew up not loving myself at all.  I was fat, ugly, unpopular, not a good student and a half ass musician.  Why try hard when all you are going to do in the end is fail, right?
Three years ago my life was turned upside down by a new baby, a multiple sclerosis diagnosis (hubby), as well as a psychotic break and bipolar diagnosis for my husband.  I went into take care of everyone else mode and let myself go.  I was lucky if I got to brush my teeth, because someone might need something in the 5 min. it takes to do that!  I was withering away....my soul, not my body. (LOL)  It was time to do something.  I then started on a journey of finding myself and loving myself.  This started with learning what gifts I was given and embracing them.


One of the gifts I was born with is the ability to feel what other people feel.  I once as a small child got really sad about some friends of my moms and kept telling her....you have to call them something is wrong.  She did after several hours of tears and persistence and was told that their house had burned to the ground.  How I knew this....I don't know, I could just FEEL it.
There is many times in my life that this has been a wonderful thing, but it's tough as well.  When my BFF's husband was murdered, it was HARD.  I could just FEEL the sadness.  To be honest, it was one of the most exhausting experiences I have ever experience, but MAN, did I learn some shit about myself!
When things are happy this is great!  I spent the night last night celebrating a triumph over breast cancer with some dear friends and at one point during the night the joy in the room was so strong, I could FEEL it.  When I say I can FEEL it, really I can physically FEEL it.  I can't explain what its like, but I am learning to love it and embrace it.
My husband is TOTAL opposite, he doesn't feel, at all really.  It takes a lot.  This is due to a crazy childhood, but again, another story for another day.
I was talking with him last night about the feeling I get in these situations and had a HUGE revelation.  I LIKE that I can FEEL things that others can't.  I can't imaging going through life not being able to feel like I do, even if it's exhausting at times.
I am going to embrace this gift and love it.  This is part of me and makes me who I am.  I love this about myself.  4 months ago, you wouldn't have heard these words from me, this is a huge step in my process of embracing who I am and most importantly, LOVING who I am.

Again....sorry for the bla bla bla....I just had to get it out.

And...a picture or two to show you how joyful the night really was!!